VINTAGE NEWS

This odd piece appeared in the GRANITE MONTHLY of June 1899, just as the autmobile was asserting itself on New Hampshire roads. The author takes on the voice of the motorcar long before talking cars on TV shows and Disney films. (See article below)

REFLECTIONS OF AN AUTOMOBILE

What’s that you say? A marvelous invention? Well, yes, I do pride myself. I am somewhat of a marvel, but only for a time, however. Alas, like my nephew, the bicycle, I, too, must soon grow old and become quite commonplace. People look upon me now as a luxury. They do not seem to realize I am as neces- sary for the relief of the poor equine race as the bicycle was for weary, trudging men.

Yes, my dear old lady on the sidewalk, I feel quite lonely here in Boston ; you should go to New York to see me at my best. You silly, young creature, you. Why do you rear and shy so foolishly? There is nothing about me that should frighten you so. Do you not know that I am come to relieve you, you poor, overworked creatures? Soon you will be exiled to green pastures and box stalls, while I will do man's work for him.

Ah, here is a beautiful stretch of boulevard. Yes, turn the lever and let us put to shame those poor strug- gling beasts by our side. Now see us glide along! Here you have the acme of graceful motion, no more runaways, no more mad plunges over side embankments. I am far too dignified for that. Look at my beautiful, new rubber tires. How noiselessly they glide over this smooth asphalt! Your nerves are not wrenched and torn by the harsh clatter of iron hoofs as I glide smoothly by.

What's that, young man? You wish "she" could see me ? Well, cheer up, in a year or two you can hire me from the livery round the corner any Sunday afternoon, and let me tell you, I possess great advantages over my equine friends, for I can go very slowly at the right time and am very easily handled. Ah, small boy, you think to climb up behind as of yore, do you? One more turn of the lever and where are you, my son? Ha! ha! I am quite another creature from those Armstrong monsters by my side.

Do you hear that gong? Well, that 's my big brother coming. Look out! look out! He won’t stop for you. You 're a goner if you get in his way. Ah, here he comes! See those great, noiseless wheels. See that graceful body and that beautiful black stack belching forth smoke and sparks? Isn't he a bea'uty? He will get there in time, never fear. Yes, he's my brother, and mighty proud of him I am, too. Frightful? Not half so frightful as the sight of those three poor beasts struggling with that great laddertruck behind. Going to stop here? Well, not too quickly now; those sudden stops jar one so.

That 's all for to-day? I am rather glad, for one does get tired on these pavements. Good-by, see you at the old stand tomorrow.

Written by JRS
GRANITE MONTHLY
June 1899

Photo courtesy SWS.org