Editors of periodicals suffer an irresistible desire to sum up at the end of
each calendar year. It’s one of the few times most come out of the closet and
often demonstrate the theory that editors are bad writers who never got a better
job.
So annually these editors offer their assessment and commentary on the state
of the universe. But since no one cares about last year, they cleverly title the
pieces to look as if they are forward, rather than backward-thinking. Here, for
your consideration, is my aggregated advice. -- JDR
1. Get that Flu Shot.
I didn’t and I have a hell of a cold. If you don’t get a flu shot, stay away
from crowded holiday parties where drunken people have a tendency to spit on your
little plate of hors'doeuvres while telling you inane stories they are sure you
will want to publish.
2. Wait for the DVD.
Movies today are just too loud and too frenetic to watch on a large screen. You
wait in line to pay $10 and then have to sit through 20 minutes of large-format
television commercials and previews. For the price of two tickets you can own
the film, flip it on and off at will, zoom in on the nasty bits, and watch tons
of bonus stuff, much of which is better than the film itself. At home there are
fewer germs (see #1), fewer screaming teenagers and the popcorn price hasn’t gone
up since 1900.
3. Vote Republican.
Nothing else makes sense anymore. I figure if we ALL register as Republicans,
we can at least prevent the very worst of them from holding public office. That
has to be better than what we have today.
4. Kill Bill.
If you’re still using Microsoft’s Internet Explorer and Outlook, break free.
They are full of bugs and gremlins and make you the target of every hacker and
spammer alive. Download Mozilla Firefox and Thunderbird and show Bill Gates he’s
not the boss of you. I actually like the guy, but this open source stuff is coming
on strong. And unless you have little kids at home, dump AOL too and experience
the real Internet.
5. Google All the Way.
Despite huge advances by other search engines, Google is still the place to search.
Save time and energy by using Google as your phone book, travel guide and primary
research tool. If something better comes along, I’ll let you know.
6. Write a Book.
It doesn’t matter what you write about, I’ve discovered; it just has to be pages
bound by a hard cover with a nice dust jacket. Journalists and web authors get
no respect, but people love people who write books.
7. Move Your Media.
Your kids are monsters and it’s all the fault of the media. I swear, If Jesus
were alive today, he wouldn’t waste his time on the money changers in the temple.
He would go house to house and take every computer and TV set out of every kid’s
bedroom. The only way parents can truly monitor what children see online and onscreen,
is to put all the hardware in the family room.
8. Ignore CNN
We may finally be moving out of the 24-hour obsessive news era. What started
out as Ted Turner’s dream to provide a world-wide alternative news perspective
has tanked. Today’s embedded reporters offer all the independent freshness of
a White House briefing. The hosts are cranky. The repetition is numbing. The best
news they get is taken off blogs. For real news try Reuters and the BBC.
9. Shop More Online
The chain stores are shivering. Online sales were up 24% in Christmas 2004. We
got our LL Bean and Amazon.com gift orders by mail barely 48 hours after placing
the orders. You definitely want to purchase stuff from local vendors first, but
half of them are online as well. So why do we need all these massive retail chain
stores?
10. Educate Your iPod.
Those credit-card sized MP3 players are not just for hip-hop you know. Now you
can carry around the latest unabridged novel on a chip the size of a postage stamp.
You can download the pre-recorded book or the daily New York Times read aloud
as you walk the dog and exercise at the gym. No skipping like bulky CD-players.
No mechanical parts like audio cassettes. And for those who said nobody would
pay for commercial-free radio – hah! Two satellite subscription-only radio companies
are going to give AM and FM a run for their money.
11. Wake Up and Smell the Donuts
The facts are in – duh. Fast foods and sugary beverages have turned us into an
obese nation. If you eat crap and sit around all day, you get fat. Those who want
diabetes and hope to die young – stay the course. Everyone else into the pool.
12. Have a Good Time, or Else
Science has finally proven that people who don’t chill-out die faster. Stress
kills. Pick the thing that got you most upset last year and don’t let it happen
again. Repeat same until your blood pressure returns to normal.
Copyright (c) 2005 SeacoastNH.com/J. Dennis Robinson