EDITOR AT LARGE

Things were going really bad in America, what with the war, immigration, terrorism, gas prices and government corruption. Then something really good happened. A rich bratty kid went to jail and all across the land, people felt good again. 

LIFE IN OBLIVIA, A BEDTIME STORY

The people of Oblivia were worried. They were mostly worried about their mortgages. They were also worried about their flabby abs, their children’s soccer coach, about hair loss, suitcase bombs, gasoline prices, trans fat and about e coli in their vegetables. They lived in fear of terrorists, tsunamis and global warming. Many were worried about the little cable that was supposed to connect their computer with their digital camera, but didn’t.

The people of Oblivia were angry too – about pre-emptive wars and genocide, about school shootings, world poverty, immigrants and stem cell research. It was a lot to worry about, and yet, it all seemed so far away. In fact, truth be told, things were pretty good on a day-to-day basis, if you didn’t count the worrying and the fear.

Luckily, the people of Oblivia lived in a democracy. They had elected plenty of other people to blame. There were hordes of awful senators and congressional leaders who spent most of their time telling the citizens what to worry about next and whom to fear and distrust. The Supreme Leader of Oblivia was so bad that 72% of the population who had elected him, now despised him, and wanted to banish him from the kingdom. But without him, they knew, they would have to blame themselves for all the bad things, and that would be too much like socialism. So the Supreme Leader, who was the most oblivious of them all, stayed on.

To keep themselves from worrying and fearing, the people spent a lot of time at work. Then they went to a lot of nice restaurants and theme parks, NASCAR races and rock concerts. When they got home, to remain calm, they drank alcohol and took lots of pills, then taught their children to do the same. They watched thousands of hours of reality TV and went to movies with lots of distracting fake violence, full frontal nudity and toilet jokes. These were trying times, but they survived.

Then one day something wonderful happened. A bad rich lady named Martha went to jail. The idea that a rich important person could be punished for being bad had never occurred to the people of Oblivia who worshipped rich people. Martha did not stay in jail long, and when she got out she was richer than ever, but something had changed. When an important guy in the government named Scooter did bad things, he was punished too.

There was also a woman named Paris. She liked to party hardy, spend tons of money and do dirty things on the Internet – so people figured she must be important. They followed her around and tried to be like her. But she did a bad thing. She liked to drive drunk, which was usually considered okay for rich important people. But a judge told Paris she was bad and had to go to jail. She tried going, but decided jail was no fun. There was no pillow on her bed and the blankets were too thin. Her friends couldn’t come in and party and there were not enough drugs. This all made her sad, so Paris told the sheriff she was going home to her mansion and her friends. The sheriff said – OK, cool.

Then a miracle happened. People all across Oblivia got really mad. If Martha and Scooter had to go to jail, they said, so did Paris. People got even madder at Paris than they were mad at their Supreme Leader. The judge got mad too and put Paris in handcuffs and told her to go back to jail. Paris cried a lot and said it wasn’t fair. She was rich. She had her own reality TV show and millions of hits on the Internet. She wasn’t like everyone else. If she accidentally killed someone while driving drunk, well, it would be different than if some poor unimportant person did it.

But the judge didn’t listen. He sent Paris back to jail anyway, where the sheriff gave her some pills so she wouldn’t feel too bad. People in Oblivia were ecstatic to see Paris punished. Life suddenly seemed to have meaning again. They cheered "Hurray" and hugged their children, and for a very short time, they did not feel worried or scared. Some people even suggested that, if the Supreme Leader went to jail, everyone would feel really good for a really long time. People went looking for the Supreme Leader, but he was in Bulgaria or Viet Nam or South America, and too hard to catch. So the people of Oblivia decided to wait. They could always elect a new leader, they decided, and put him in jail instead.

Copyright © 2007 by J. Dennis Robinson. All rights reserve. Robinson is editor and owner of SeacoastNH.com.