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SITE OF THE WEEK

Soon after we files this web review, the ELLEN shot became one of the hottest daytime shows on television. But we'll never say -- we told you so.

VISIT the Ellen web site

I hate daytime TV talk shows. The fleeting minutes of violence and swill I saw on Maury Povich and Jerry Springer recently were enough to undo anyone’s faith in Darwin’s theory of evolution. Why this hurtful hateful assault doesn’t qualify as terrorism, boggles me. The boys at Homeland Security might do well to see the kind of TV we’re exporting in the name of freedom and democracy. No wonder so many countries fear and despise us.

Meanwhile, I’ve never seen a show by the much-beloved Oprah -- too saccharine for my taste -- although she certainly hits some relevant issues. I missed Rosie’s entire career. I’m guessing that the touchy-feely exploitation of guests on Ricki, Sally Jesse and Montel falls somewhere in between. I caught a few moments of tough love on Dr. Phil. He seems harmless enough; getting overweight Americans to tearfully admit that they are overweight seems a step in the right direction. But who on earth Is watching the Sharon Osbourne Show? Despite the triumph of her cancer recovery and the tragedy of husband Ozzie’s recent motorbike accident, this unbearable family reportedly earned $34 million last year without uttering an intelligible remark.

Now six months ago, after 25 years working in the real world, I built and moved into a home office. There are 50 reasons why working from home is better than working elsewhere. (I’m writing this at 3 a.m., for example, with no need to commute.) But there are two reasons why it is not – food and television. Although my office is 30 feet from the house, it is still only 39 feet from the refrigerator, which accounts for the 15 extra pounds I’m carrying since the new office opened. The refrigerator is just a room away from the TV set. You get the picture.

All that is a long-winded rationalization for why I happened across the new Ellen Degeneres talk show that airs weekdays from at 11 a.m. until noon on my Dish satellite package. The show coincides with my morning snack that always tastes better in front of the tube. Although Ellen says she knows nothing about how a web site works, she plugs hers plenty. So I took a look.

You may not be able to see the opening Web magic on a slow-speed computer, but those with hefty band-width prepare for a vision of the future. After the Ellen homepage appears, Ellen herself swoops in from the bottom left corner of the screen in full-motion video. She moves and talks and interacts with animation and sound effects. As a splash screen, this would have been cute, but now the wizards at Warner Brothers, the parent company, have figured out a way to run the animated sequence without interrupting the basic navigation of the homepage.

With a webmaster as gigantic as "The WB" itself, Ellen’s opening page indicates that her new show is at least getting some attention from the mega-corporation. Indeed, the show has done so well in the daytime TV ratings against its largely insipid competition, that Ellen has been optioned for the 2004 season. The web site, part of the huge WB money-machine, hints why Ellen’s daytime talkie is gathering fans.

The web site, like the show, is well designed. It has a simple designer flair not unlike the stuff you might find on the Food Channel or HGTV. The guests are top-notch, not hand-me-downs, and the patter is sincere, playful, sometimes meaningful, sometimes clever. An online photo gallery shows recent appearances by Elton John, Diane Keaton, Emma Thompson, Queen Latifah, Tom Cruise, an African elephant, Justin Timberlake, Gwyneth Paltrow. It is not rocket science, but there appears to be genuine karma among the host, her guests and the studio audience.

The first comedian to come out of the closet on her 1990s evening sit-com, "The Ellen Degeneres Show", this time the host is just folks. Audiences seem relieved that, following her overexposed break up with partner Anne Heche, the comedian is going "lite" on gay issues, and heavy on entertainment. The web site offers a generous selection of video clips, including the updated daily monologue. In Lettermen-esque clips, Ellen wanders the NBC studio backstage, chats with the studio gardener, visits the nurse for a spider bite, steals a security bicycle, goes shopping and tours an international array of lunch spots nearby. Her approach, like her clothing, is casual, sometimes embarrassing, self-effacing and comfortably funny. Ellen doesn’t tell jokes, but simply describes life in a funny way, going for the cosmic humor and leaving the crass attack-humor to the late-night shows.

The rest of the web site is unremarkable. You can buy Ellen’s new bestselling book or her new video in which she plays an animated fish. The "Fun Stuff" section isn’t fun, filled mostly with trite bits unworthy of her skills. The show too has flaws, like the incessant gift-giving and commercial plugs, but the skits are cute and the patter is nonviolent and upbeat and oh-so-faintly countercultural. The old feisty Ellen is not gone, but the new Ellen knows that ratings come first. The musical acts are pretty good too. Recently Ellen hammed it up simultaneously with Dar Williams, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Shawn Colvin and Patty Griffin. Parents whose kids are home with the flu would be wise to Super Glue the channel changer to this show. Ellen Degeneres, now 45, has finally found her calling.

All of the daytime talk shows, of course, have web sites. Always exploitative, Jerry Springer (www.jerryspringer.com) fans must spent $2.50 a month to access even more brutality from his web site. But readers with a shocking story to tell can contact one of Jerry’s producers via online email links. Contact Kyle if you are sleeping with one of your lover’s relatives. Wives who want to confront their cheating husbands should contact Toby. Even Jerry’s chief security cop Steve has his own web site. (He’s the one who breaks up the fights between the naked hookers, angry dwarves and drug abusing wife-beaters.) On Steve’s site you can buy his new line of bikini underpants for men. This is what latchkey kids are watching when home alone during school vacations. This is what shapes their vision of the future, a future as pathetic as the Christian’s green room in the ancient Roman Coliseum just before the next wild animal act.

Oprah’s site (www.oprah.com) is every bit as appealing as Ellen’s, with lots of Internet-only features. You can read a transcript of Oprah’s latest interview with Madonna, for example, or see video clips with guests shot "After the Show". The site is slick and highly commercial. You can buy Oprah’s magazine and check her latest books while large animated banners for Pepsi, Victoria’s Secret and Purina cat food whiz by.

The best talk show sites still belong to the late night boys. David Letterman’s web site is marginally funnier (www.cbs.com) for my taste, but not very attractive and more commercial. You can get the trusty Top 10 list and search a good-sized archive of Dave’s video clips, if you want to sign up for the latest Real Player upgrade. Jay Leno’s site on NBC.com is harder to find (just search "Jay Leno" on Google.com, it’s easier), but much more visually appealing. Although I’ve grown weary of the insensitive topical humor and boring sight gags, the Leno site is the hand’s down winner for accessibility, variety, fresh updates and clever features. In fact, viewers sick of a zillion commercials in the 90-minute nightly show can view the "best of" the Tonight Show gags at the end of the week in about a half hour on the web site.

My advice, if you’re addicted to talk shows, is to check the web sites on Monday. Pick out the shows you cannot bear to miss and check what you missed on Saturdays. Mostly, it is garbage anyway. You should be doing something better with your precious time. If you must watch a talk show, try Charlie Rose on public television. Charlie sits at a round table and just talks to some of the most intelligent people in the world. If you miss a show you can hear the entire broadcast on www.CharlieRose.com. About 200 shows are archived there now. There’s no video, just audio, so no need to bring a snack. So lose weight with Charlie Rose. Or try Ellen. She’s nice.