READ: More campus humor at UNH

It probably isn’t funny. But I still can’t stop laughing over today’s email from the UNH Alumni Association. I haven’t heard news this hilarious since Monty Python stopped aping the BBC.

Somebody who published the 2005 Alumni Directory goofed big time and 501 University of New Hampshire alums were transposed into the deceased column. That’s how precipitous life is. In this age of constant fear from terrorists, bird flu and natural disasters, we are all just a keystroke away from being disappeared.

The email from Alumni director J. Gregg Sanborn ('66, '77G) put a good face on a bad situation. "You may have heard from a friend that a classmate was listed as deceased," Sanborn writes, "when in fact they are very much alive." He or she, to be grammatically correct, may be very much alive – or not. The directory makes it even harder to tell.

UNH has published an online list of the erroneously dead. They span the gap from the Class of ’35 to the Class of ‘03. I checked it. Seven members of my graduating class are included. I see that I am alive, and I must admit, I'm a little disappointed. I was hoping that, like Mark Twain, I could claim that rumors of my death have been highly exaggerated. I was also hoping that being statistically dead might exempt me from future alumni fundraisers. No such luck.

PCI, the company that made the deadly gaffe offers the following mission statement on its web site: "We collect accurate data. We deliver powerful information." Tell that to the grief stricken multitudes as they flip through their new directories. We won’t rest until the keyboardist responsible is drawn and quartered on the T-Hall lawn during homecoming.

PCI promises it will reimburse all those who bought the directory and were listed in it as dead. Those who were not listed as dead must pay the full price. That smacks of favoritism if you ask me. Why should those lucky stiffs get a free directory and all the fun too? The undead will also receive an official phone apology and an official written apology from PCI, plus a free copy of the corrected directory on CD-rom. Rumor has it that the CD also includes an exclusive recording of Sheena Easton singing "I’m So Sorry, Baby" and a Pizza Hut gift certificate. Okay, I made that part up, but life just isn’t fair to the living.

Betty Hill, the famous UFO abductee and resident of Portsmouth, used to carry a newspaper obituary in her wallet. It announced in bold type that she had passed on. She must have shown it to me half a dozen times, chuckling every time she mentioned it. It gave her great pleasure.

Betty (UNH Class of ‘58) passed on last year at age 85, leaving the rest of us to shuffle along this mortal coil. She would have loved learning that 500 of her fellow alumni had gotten their premature obits too. One or two typos is bad enough. But the huge number, I’m sure Betty would agree, implies something fishy going on behind-the-scenes here. Computer error, my foot. Maybe the aliens and the Bush administration have teamed up for something big. Could the disappearance of the Old Man of the Mountains be a clue? Whatever the case, copies of the 2005 Alumni Directory are sure to become collectible and 501 fellow graduates have been reborn. Hallelujah!

J. Dennis Robinson (Class ’73) is editor and owner of SeacoastNH.com and still writes for a living.