Sleaze at the Halloween Superstore

Pregnant Nun Costume
EDITOR AT LARGE

Halloween used to mean sifting through the rag-bag or old attic trunks, but no more. Kids these days can pick from hundreds of ready-made costumes and plastic paraphernalia. Adults too. And that has created a sleazy new market place where horror and hormones make a sick stew.

Ready-Made Adult Costumes Get Grosser

I love the new Halloween stores. In my day we made our own costumes, but that was only because we were poor. The new Halloween Spirit superstore, for example, a national chain of 434 stores, offers hundreds of ready-made costumes, wigs, masks and accessories. No more burnt cork, creativity and recycled clothing. Today all you need is cash.

I hate shopping. Ten minutes at Crate and Barrel gets me crazy. But you can drop me off at the Halloween store every morning and pick me up at the end of each day. As a kid, I built every plastic model of every movie monster. Now they have them six feet tall and animated with sound effects. This place has all the bats, rats, killer clowns, ghosts, glue-on scars, spiders, skulls, fake blood and severed body parts a guy could want. In my day you had to order this stuff by catalog, or make the long treck into Jack’s Joke Shop in Boston. And the plastic flesh today, it’s so real. The zombie-mummy woman with the vibrating decapitated head is awesome.

Somehow this innovative franchise has managed to combine women’s make-up and fashion with kiddie costumes and teen gore. The whole family can shop at once. And if you check the center aisles, they have even slipped in a line of pre-made "adult" Halloween costumes. But what kind of adult puts on a giant diaper, grabs a massive pacifier and rattle and dares to show up at a costume party? The worst of the lot is a human-sized "Poo-poo" platter, and not the kind you order take-out. It’s sold online only.

One has to wonder what families working in sweat shops world-wide are thinking as they stitch together these items. And I can’t help imagining the meetings where the costume designers pitch their product line to the boss. The following conversation is imaginary, but every item mentioned is available for sale in the Halloween Spirit catalog.

"Johnson, how’s that one doing where the guy wears the oversized electrical plug over his crotch and the woman is dressed like an electric socket?"

"Selling like hotcakes, sir."

"Great! What’s new for this season?"

"OK, this year we introduce the "Bun in the Oven" couples costume. The male wears a white chef’s hat and his apron reads "I’m the Bunmaker," while the woman wears a square plastic stove with a see-through oven that shows her pregnant belly!"

"Marvelous, but are we still doing the pregnant nun costume?"

"Totally, a big seller. And we’ve added a new Jesus outfit, a horny priest, the Dr. Seymour Bush gynecologist lab coat, the blind referee, the cow with squirting udders and the human beer keg. Oh and the Giant Boob."

"Boob? I thought that was a giant eyeball."

"Well, you really need to see them both together, sir."

"Good thinking, Johnson. Sell two and double the sales! But are you creating enough – you know – wiener costumes? We don’t want sexist or racist outfits, but one can never have too many wieners."

"Well, we still have the Human Breathalizer outfit with the "Blow here" sign."

"Very clever, but maybe too clever for our target market. Remember, these guys were raised on Adam Sandler, Chris Rock and Robin Williams."

"We still carry the snake charmer costume, with the strategically placed rubber snake."

"Old news! I need something fresh and daring."

"Well, there’s always the Hot Dog Vendor outfit where you stick your hand in and grab …"

"Too subtle. Adults aren’t that sophisticated anymore. Can’t you dumb it down?"

"We do have one more outfit in development, sir. It’s called Tricky Dick."

"No more Nixon masks, Johnson. He’s played out."

"Well, actually Tricky is a six-foot inflatable…er… organ."

"Musical?"
"No, the other kind."

"With feet?"

"Yes, sir."

"And it walks around all by itself?"

"Not easily, but yes."

"You don’t think people will be offended, Johnson?"

"Not any more, sir. Our market survey indicates that good taste has slipped into the single digits."

"All right let’s roll the big wiener out. The time has come to mass market this Dicky thing. But stick to $49.95 per unit. People regain a shred of decency at price points over $50. Test it on the Web first. Don’t put it in the display windows and keep it away from the kiddie aisle. Send me daily sales figures. And Johnson…

"Yes, sir?"

"Try to come up with something a little less tasteful for next year. I want to ride this trend all the way to the bottom."

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