Editors of periodicals suffer an irresistible desire to sum up at the end of each calendar year. It’s one of the few times most come out of the closet and often demonstrate the theory that editors are bad writers who never got a better job.

So annually these editors offer their assessment and commentary on the state of the universe. But since no one cares about last year, they cleverly title the pieces to look as if they are forward, rather than backward-thinking. Here, for your consideration, is my aggregated advice. -- JDR

1. Get that Flu Shot.
I didn’t and I have a hell of a cold. If you don’t get a flu shot, stay away from crowded holiday parties where drunken people have a tendency to spit on your little plate of hors'doeuvres while telling you inane stories they are sure you will want to publish.

2. Wait for the DVD.
Movies today are just too loud and too frenetic to watch on a large screen. You wait in line to pay $10 and then have to sit through 20 minutes of large-format television commercials and previews. For the price of two tickets you can own the film, flip it on and off at will, zoom in on the nasty bits, and watch tons of bonus stuff, much of which is better than the film itself. At home there are fewer germs (see #1), fewer screaming teenagers and the popcorn price hasn’t gone up since 1900.

3. Vote Republican.
Nothing else makes sense anymore. I figure if we ALL register as Republicans, we can at least prevent the very worst of them from holding public office. That has to be better than what we have today.

4. Kill Bill.
If you’re still using Microsoft’s Internet Explorer and Outlook, break free. They are full of bugs and gremlins and make you the target of every hacker and spammer alive. Download Mozilla Firefox and Thunderbird and show Bill Gates he’s not the boss of you. I actually like the guy, but this open source stuff is coming on strong. And unless you have little kids at home, dump AOL too and experience the real Internet.

5. Google All the Way.
Despite huge advances by other search engines, Google is still the place to search. Save time and energy by using Google as your phone book, travel guide and primary research tool. If something better comes along, I’ll let you know.

6. Write a Book.
It doesn’t matter what you write about, I’ve discovered; it just has to be pages bound by a hard cover with a nice dust jacket. Journalists and web authors get no respect, but people love people who write books.

7. Move Your Media.
Your kids are monsters and it’s all the fault of the media. I swear, If Jesus were alive today, he wouldn’t waste his time on the money changers in the temple. He would go house to house and take every computer and TV set out of every kid’s bedroom. The only way parents can truly monitor what children see online and onscreen, is to put all the hardware in the family room.

8. Ignore CNN
We may finally be moving out of the 24-hour obsessive news era. What started out as Ted Turner’s dream to provide a world-wide alternative news perspective has tanked. Today’s embedded reporters offer all the independent freshness of a White House briefing. The hosts are cranky. The repetition is numbing. The best news they get is taken off blogs. For real news try Reuters and the BBC.

9. Shop More Online
The chain stores are shivering. Online sales were up 24% in Christmas 2004. We got our LL Bean and Amazon.com gift orders by mail barely 48 hours after placing the orders. You definitely want to purchase stuff from local vendors first, but half of them are online as well. So why do we need all these massive retail chain stores?

10. Educate Your iPod.
Those credit-card sized MP3 players are not just for hip-hop you know. Now you can carry around the latest unabridged novel on a chip the size of a postage stamp. You can download the pre-recorded book or the daily New York Times read aloud as you walk the dog and exercise at the gym. No skipping like bulky CD-players. No mechanical parts like audio cassettes. And for those who said nobody would pay for commercial-free radio – hah! Two satellite subscription-only radio companies are going to give AM and FM a run for their money.

11. Wake Up and Smell the Donuts
The facts are in – duh. Fast foods and sugary beverages have turned us into an obese nation. If you eat crap and sit around all day, you get fat. Those who want diabetes and hope to die young – stay the course. Everyone else into the pool.

12. Have a Good Time, or Else
Science has finally proven that people who don’t chill-out die faster. Stress kills. Pick the thing that got you most upset last year and don’t let it happen again. Repeat same until your blood pressure returns to normal.

Copyright (c) 2005 SeacoastNH.com/J. Dennis Robinson