FairPoint Redefines Fair

Hello, Fairpoint? Can you hear me? EDITOR-AT-LARGE

I tend not to jump on the pig pile when everyone else moans about corporate greed and incompetence. I like Coke. I get good service from Comcast. My father worked a lifetime at AT&T and used to drive Fords. I survived for years breakfasting at McDonald’s and lunching at Burger King. (Continued below)

So I was willing to give FairPoint a chance with the office phone. Sure, I’d heard rumors about the company that took over locally from Verizon, and most of them turned out to be true. But I was lucky. My phone worked when thousands of others did not.

There was a little mess-up with the bill. When I downgraded my service – (who needs to be in the Yellow Pages anymore?) – I kept getting added charges. I called up and talked to some really nice people. It was all a mistake, they said. Computer error. It would take time for the new computer to catch up with my lower rate. My home computer catches up in nanoseconds, but I guessed their computer must be bigger.

Months later, I was still getting billed an extra $15 or $20. "Our fault," the CSR said. "There was a flood in the office. I’ll take off the added charge. Thanks for using FairPoint." I love it when corporations apologize, so I let it ride.

A month later I got a call on my phone machine. It was the CSR again. Seems the computer had "accidentally" kept the old charge on my bill again. "When you get the bill, just pay the fee you signed up for," she said. I was impressed. No corporation had ever called to warn me that I was being overcharged. I let it ride.

For a few months the bill was as advertised. FairPoint was getting hammered in the press for sleazy tactics and possible incompetence. But my phone worked.

Just another Fairpoint sob story

Then last month the bill went up again. I called. This time I got a woman with a thick southern accent. She spelled her name slowly, and I wrote it down. She was in Georgia, she said, and there was nothing she could do to fix my bill.

"You forgot to renew your discount," she said.

"Huh?"

Lashana explained that I, in order to keep my low rate, was required to call every year and renew it. I had not, so the rate had gone up. Credit cards pull this scam all the time, but a phone bill is a phone bill. Or at least it used to be. Lashana gave me the number of another person to talk to.

"Can’t you just connect me?" I asked.

"We’re not allowed to do that," she said.

The next woman was in Portland, ME. She explained again that, since I had failed to call to renew my discount rate, I had lost it. I explained that there was no discount and that I had not been told I had to call back.

"Verizon was supposed to tell you. I guess the salesperson forgot," she said. She could possibly return me to the lower rate, but I would have to remember to call in a year to renew it.

"Why don’t you just leave yourself a note to renew my rate in a year and leave me out of it," I told her.

Now I was pissed. Clearly the whole thing is designed to wear down the user. Tack $17 onto thousands of monthly phone bills and you’ve got quite a bundle. Clearly there is something crooked going on here. I ranted. The poor woman sounded weary and sad. A dog barked in the background. Apparently she talks to people like me all day. It must be very a frustrating job, manipulating your neighbors, bending the truth.

In the end, the CSR agreed to return me to my old monthly rate, the one I signed up for. We were both exhausted, like envoys after a Middle East peace negotiation.

But the rate won’t change, a friend tells me. It will just keep coming in wrong and I will have to keep calling. He’s been doing the same thing with his FairPoint bill. It’s a nasty way to make a living, and I guess, someday the whole thing will come unraveled. You can only screw all of the people all of the time for so long, Abraham Lincoln said, before they switch to another telephone service.

Afterwards I called Comcast. They’ve been providing my internet service for years, always trying to get me to "combo" my bill by adding phone or cable TV. I don’t like trusting too much of my life to one corporation. If all three services went down at once, I’d go bonkers. And how would I call in to complain?

But the Comcast deal is sounding better and better. According to the salesperson, not only will my cable rate go down $20, but my phone bill will be cut to one third of what FairPoint is charging me.

"Really?" I said. "That seems too good to be true."

"That is only for one year," the salesperson said, "then the rate goes up."

"Uh-huh," I said. This was sounding familiar.

"And there are no hidden fees?" I asked.

"No hidden fees," she repeated.

"Okay, so are there any unhidden fees?" I asked. Luckily I read George Orwell’s "1984" where war is peace and Lewis Carroll’s "Alice in Wonderland" where they celebrate unbirthdays.

"There is a $29.95 set up fee," the salesperson said, as if she had forgotten to mention it. "But it isn’t hidden."

"And if I don’t want to pay the set up fee?" I asked. Two can play this game, I figured. In this economy, you always go for the discount.

"Then you won’t be able to dial 911," she said. "We have to hook that up. It’s part of the set up fee. You will want to hook that up in case you have a police or medical emergency."

Now I was losing it again. I have no problem paying set-up fees. But the idea that, without it, I couldn’t make an emergency call? That sounded crazy, If not illegal.

"I’m going to have to check with the Attorney General on this," I said.

"You are welcome to do that," she replied, and I almost asked if there was a fee for contacting my government official. But the poor salesperson didn’t write the manual. She’s just trying to pay her phone bill.

I told this story to a couple of people, and without even pausing they all launched into telephone tales that put mine to shame. Cell phone stories are the worst, and yet everyone seems to carry one. And generally, I have to say, I'm forever impressed by the miracle of the telephone itself. Talking over wires and through the air is a powerful gift that gets better every year.

When I was a kid I had a working model of Alexander Graham Bell’s first telephone. I wrapped copper wires and screwed the pieces together and, miracle of miracles, it worked. Mr. Bell, according to the model kit, was really just trying to find a way to help deaf people to hear.

Of course now we know the truth. You can read all about how Bell copied the idea of another inventor and rushed it through the patent office. There are books about it. Bell made millions and became an iconic American hero. The other guy, what’s-his-name, got screwed and died angry.

I’m not sure that makes me feel better, but unlike that poor sot, my phone company hasn’t singled me out. Ripping people off isn’t personal anymore. It’s written into the business plan and designed into the software. If everyone gets screwed equally, you have to admit, at least it’s fair.